How the Spies Stole Christmas
by Sewer Medic
Summary: Extremely late Christmas fanfic. I ran out of inspiration at some parts, so they can either be really bad at rhyming or taken directly from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". I do not own TF2 or any of Dr. Seuss's works.


Every mercenary down in Teufort liked Christmas a lot…

But the Spies, who also lived in Teufort, did NOT!

The Spies _hated_ Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be that their smoke had gone to their heads.

It could be, perhaps, that they were just brain dead.

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been that their hearts were two sizes two small.

But,

Whatever the reason,

Their smoke or their bothers,

They stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the others,

Staring down from their ledge with a sour, Frenchy frown

At the warm lighted windows below in their forts.

For they knew that every mercenary down in Teufort beneath

Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.

"And they're hanging their stockings!" The RED Spy snarled with a sneer.

"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with the BLU Spy's fingers nervously drumming.

"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"

For, tomorrow, he knew…

All the mercenary boys

Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!

And _then_! Oh, the noise! Oh the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

The thing they hated most! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the mercs, RED and BLU, would sit down to a feast.

And they'd FEAST!

FEAST!

FEAST!

FEAST!

FEAST!

They would feast on the Demos' haggis, and the rare Australium beast

Which was something the Spies couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN

They'd do something

They liked least of all!

Every merc down in Teufort, the tall and the small

Would stand close together, with the automated bells ringing.

They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the mercs would start singing!

They'd sing! _And they'd sing!_

And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!

And the more the Spies thought of this Christmas fling

The more the Spies told each other, "We must stop this whole thing!

"Why, for three years we've put up with it now!

"We MUST stop this American tradition from coming!"

_But HOW?_

Then they got an idea!

_An awful idea!_

THE SPIES

GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know _just_ what to do!" The BLU Spy laughed in his throat.

And he borrowed two Santa Claus hats and two coats.

And he chuckled, "What a great trick!"

"With these coats and these hats, we look just like Saint Nick!"

"All we need is a reindeer…"

The Spies looked around.

But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop the crafty Spies?

No! The RED Spy simply said,

"If I can't _find _a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"

So they called one of the RED mercs, the Sniper. Then they took some red thread

And they tied a big horn on the top of his head.

THEN

They loaded some bags

And some old empty sacks

On the borrowed RED Sniper's van

And got the Sniper himself to drive.

Then the Spies said, "Move!"

And the van started to tread

Toward the forts where the mercs

Lay sleeping in their beds.

All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.

All the mercs were all dreaming sweet dreams without care

When they came to the first fort on the square

"This is stop number one," The RED Spy hissed

And he crept in, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid through the door, trying to silently get by

But, if the others could do it, so could the Spy.

He made sound only once, for a moment or two.

Then he stuck his head into view

Where the mercenaries' little stockings all hung in a row.

"These stockings," he grinned, "are the _first_ things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,

Around the whole fort, and he took every present!

Rocket launchers! And crates! Metal! Hats!

Unusuals! Miscellaneous items! Ammo! Bats!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the RED Spy, very nimbly

Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimbley!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the merc's feast!

He took the beef ribs! He took the Australium besat!

He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.

Why, that Spy even took their last can of hash!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.

"And NOW!" grinned the RED Spy. "I will stuff up the tree!"

And the Spy grabbed the Christmas tree, and he started to push

When he heard a small sound not unlike a rustling bush.

He turned around fast, and he saw the BLU Scout!

He had just gotten up and was walking about.

The Spy had been caught by this Scout

Who'd gotten up to go out.

He stared at the RED Spy and said, "Yo Spy,

"_Why_ are you taking our stuff? WHY?"

But, you know, that RED Spy was so smart and so slick

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, little Scout," The RED Spy lied,

"There's some glitches in all of these items that I find.

"So, I'm taking it back to my team's Engineer.

"I'll fix it up _there_. Then I'll bring it back _here_."

And his fib fooled the Scout. Then he patted his head

And he got him a drink and he sent the Scout to bed.

And when the BLU Scout went to bed with his cup

He went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then the _last_ thing he took was the log for their fire!

Then he went through the door, himself, the liar

On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.

And the one speck of food

That he left in the house

Was a crumb that was even too small for just a small mouse.

Then the BLU Spy did the same thing

To the other side of the bridge

Leaving crumbs

Much too small

For the mercs to eat at all!

It was quarter past dawn…

All the mercs, still in bed

All the mercs, still asleep

When they packed up the Sniper's van,

Packed it up with their crates! The weapons! The unusuals! The hats!

The rockets! The ammo! The shotguns! The bats!

Three thousand feet up! Up the slope of Upward,

They rode with their load to dump it forward!

"Good riddance to the mercs!" The RED Spy was French-ish-ly humming.

"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!

"They're just waking up! I know _just_ what they'll do!

"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two

"Then the mercs down in Teufort will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the BLU Spy,

"That I simply MUST hear!"

So they paused. And they put their hands to their ears.

And they _did_ hear a sound rising over the snow.

It started in low. Then it started to grow…

But the sound wasn't _sad_!

Why this sound sounded _merry_!

It _couldn't_ be so!

But it WAS merry! VERY!

They saw Teufort.

They both popped their eyes!

Then they shook!

What they saw was a shocking surprise!

Every mercenary down in Teufort, the tall and the small,

Was singing and having a match! Without any presents at all!

They HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!

IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Spies, with their loafers ice-cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling. "How _could_ it be so?

"It came without hats! It came without crates!

"It came without weapons! It's not even that great!

And they puzzled until their brains were sore.

Then the Spies thought of something they hadn't before.

"Maybe Christmas," they thought, "_doesn't_ come from a store.

"Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more!"

And what happened _then_…?

Well… both of the Medics say

That the Spies' small hearts

Grew three sizes that day!

And the minute their hearts didn't feel quite so tight

They whizzed with their load through the bright morning light!

And the brought back the crates! And the food for the feast!

And they…

…THEY THEMSELVES…!

_The Spies carved the Australium beast!_


End file.
